The Gassy Pig and the Big Bad Wolf
Back to Contents
We=ve all heard the story of the three little pigs and what the wolf tried to do.
But part of what we=ve always heard turns out not to be true.
It=s true enough in its first part, up to where the first two pigs get eaten.
It differs in the part with the third little pig and how the wolf was beaten.
The wolf got the first two pigs with ease, then he ate them, oh, yes, indeedy,
but then, like a Wall Street swindler, he just got downright greedy.
The wolf went to the third pig=s house, looking to get an easy meal.
And this is where the classic fairy tale begins to get weirdly unreal.
The vicious wolf examined the house to see how to get the pig out.
The nervous pig was stuffing himself with beans and sauerkraut.
Now the wolf is not the brightest bulb: his skull seems rather thick.
He thinks that he=s going to huff and puff and blow down a house made of brick.
He huffed in a huge volume of air and puffed it out long and loud.
He honked out a steamy hot-air blast that would make Rush Limbaugh proud.
Then the wolf did it again and again, blowing like a hurricane.
He just couldn=t see that, in spite of his efforts, the brick house would remain.
The exhausted wolf stood panting and wheezing, trying to catch his breath.
That=s when the desperate but clever pig gassed the wolf to death.
The pig laid a clever trap for the wolf: he opened up his door.
Then he turned away from the predator and pulled down the pants that he wore.
The wolf leaped toward the open door, though it wasn=t really smart,
>cause as the gasping wolf came in, the pig blew a giant fart.
Yes, the wolf barged into the little pig=s house. He didn=t bother to knock.
But exhausted and unable to hold his breath, he got a toxic shock.
The wolf=s eyes bulged as he caught the first whiff. He tried to abort his attack.
But his muscles failed him as the gas took effect. He found he could not move back.
He trembled and twitched and fell to the floor, darn near comatose.
And that=s when the pig finished him off by giving him another dose.
The coroner examined the dead wolf=s corpse and was taken quite aback.
He had never before seen anyone who had died from a fart attack.
Over the sound of the wolf=s last squeak we heard jolly porcine laughter.
Yes, the wolf is dead and the gassy little pig lives happily ever after.
Back to Contents