The Wasp

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    Here are a number of anti-neoconservative jokes that you may enjoy...at least until we all get rendered to some torture center in darkest Outer Dubyastan.

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    George Bush drives his limousine around Washington, DC, on the wrong side of the road. Donald Rumsfeld drives his government limo way over the speed limit. And Dick Cheney drives his limo through a red light. All three limos collide and, just after the drivers tumble out of them, they explode into flame and are destroyed.

Question: What caused this disgraceful waste of taxpayers' dollars?

Answer: Why, Gay Marriage, of course.

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Question: What is the difference between Jack Abramoff and a bucket of shit?

Answer: The bucket.

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    John Kerry has sailed his boat to the Senate summer picnic, which is being held in Kennebunkport. After dropping anchor in the bay, he gets into his dinghy and rows to the dock. Meanwhile, two neocon staffers have gone sailing in a small boat and a gust of wind has capsized it. The boom comes down on one staffer and he's gone. The second staffer clings to the rapidly sinking boat and cries for help. Kerry rows on. "Please!" the staffer cries. "I can't swim. I'll die. Please help me! You're my only hope." Kerry rows on and when he reaches the dock the second staffer is, indeed, gone, swept out to sea and lost.

    "Why didn't you help that man?" people on the dock ask as Kerry ties up his dinghy. "He said he needed your help."

    "Yes," Kerry says, "but I didn't see any reason to believe him. We all know what liars those neocons are."

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    Karl Rove and three companions come to a fancy restaurant and find the place is crowded. Nonetheless, they find a table, but it has only three chairs. Karl sees three women eating at a table that has four chairs, so he goes to see whether he can take the extra chair for his table. Addressing one of the women, he asks if he can take the empty chair. The woman ignores him and continues eating her salad. He repeats his request and still the woman ignores him.

    "Gertrude," one of the other women says, "why don't you answer the man?"

    Gertrude looks up from her meal and says loudly enough for the people at nearby tables to hear, "He helped Bush steal our country. He doesn't need our permission to take a chair."

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    One day Tom DeLay was scheduled to give a donation to a charitable organization and the news media were there to videotape the event. Later, as the editors at one television station were viewing the tape and preparing it for broadcast, a reporter happened to come into the room and see on the monitor the image of DeLay handing a big check to the chairman of the charity. "Stop! Stop!" she cried out, "You're running the tape backwards!"

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    One day an old man goes into his county's courthouse, enters the Registrar's office and tells the clerk that he wants to change his name.

    "It's a little late in the day for that, isn't it, fella?" the clerk says.

    The old man shakes his head and says, "It doesn't matter how late it is. I have a despicable name and I want to change it."

    "OK," the clerk says, "What is your name?"

    The old man says, "George W. Shitscarfer."

    "Oh, yes," the clerk says, "I can see why you would want to change that. All right, I'll just fill out some forms, then you take them to the judge and he will authorize the change." So he takes out the forms and fills in the man's information. Finally he looks up at the man and asks, "What do you want your new name to be?"

    The old man thinks for a moment and then says, "Robert Shitscarfer."

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    Bob and Ray live in Washington, DC and one day when they meet on the street Bob notices that Ray has new shoes.

    "Man, how can you afford to be buyin' new shoes in this Bush economy?" Bob says.

    "I can't," Ray replies. "I jus' saw myself a little opportunity and took it. I killed some neocon asshole and took his shoes. That way I get new shoes and do the country a little favor at the same time, know what I mean?"

    "Yeah, man," Bob says. "But isn't that dangerous?"

    "Oh, yeah," Ray says. "I'm layin' low for a while 'til the heat blows over. But at least, man, I'm ready for winter."

    "I see what you mean," Bob says, looking at his own rag-swaddled feet.

    They part then and go their separate ways. A month later Ray notices that he hasn't seen Bob since that meeting and he starts to worry that Bob might have done something regrettable. He asks around and none of his acquaintances has seen Bob either. A week later Ray starts to panic when there's still no sign of Bob. A week after that Ray figures it's time to leave town, but just as he goes out to start to make the arrangements he meets up with Bob. And, sure enough, Bob has new shoes.

    "Man am I glad to see you!" Ray says. "I was gettin' worried, not seein' you and all."

    "Yeah, sorry about that, man," Bob says. "Gettin' these shoes took longer than I thought it would. Man, I had to try on eighteen pairs before I found the one that fit."

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    One holiday season a young Progressive is obliged to visit his neocon in-laws. As he comes into the house he sees hanging prominently on the wall pictures of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney flanking a picture of Jesus Christ. Suppressing the churning in his stomach, he says, "I see you finally found pictures of the robbers that Our Lord was crucified between."

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    So Donald Rumsfeld makes a surprise visit to Iraq just before Thanksgiving and as part of his morale-boosting effort he conducts a drawing to give a live turkey to one unit of the Marines. As the leader of the lucky unit accepts the turkey, Rumsfeld asks him how things are going.

    "Not as well as we had hoped, sir," the Marine replies. "We've all been wondering why we were sent here without adequate armor and without adequate preparation for the aftermath of defeating Saddam's army."

    As the Marine goes on listing the deficiencies in the preparations for the attack on Iraq, Rumsfeld does a slow burn. Finally, he explodes.

    "Enough!" he cries out. "I am the Secretary of Defense," he yells. "How dare you question my competence. If I could, I would take back that turkey, but I can't, so I will make sure that you and your buddies don't enjoy it. In the presence of all these witnesses, I swear by all that is sacred that I will personally do to you whatever you do to that bird. If you take off a wing, I will cut off your arm. If you take a drumstick, I will rip off your leg. If you wring the bird's neck, I will squeeze the breath out of you with my own hands. Do you understand me?"

    "Sir, yes, sir," the Marine says. Whereupon he hoists the turkey to his lips and plants a big, juicy kiss on its butt.

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    You know that the Republican Party is in trouble when it has to kick off a membership drive with the following offer: Anyone who brings in five new members will have their own membership canceled. Anyone who brings in ten new members will not only have their membership canceled, but they will also be given documentation testifying that they were never members of the Republican Party.

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    One day Dubya Dimwit, Darth Cheney, Donny Dumsfeld, and Kindasleezy Rice go up in a balloon to look out over Washington, DC and survey their domain. They have gone up several miles when the balloon springs a leak. Quickly the men repair the leak, but the balloon has lost too much gas and is descending at an increasing rate. Desperate to lighten the balloon and restore it to buoyancy, they throw everything that comes to hand overboard -- the picnic basket, the wine cooler, the fire extinguisher, the funny cushions with all the straps and buckles (Oops! Those were the parachutes). But they are still falling too rapidly and as they go lower the increasing air pressure compresses the remaining gas, making them fall even faster. Someone will have to jump and die.

    Kindasleezy Rice decides to make the noble sacrifice and says, "I can't let the most important man in America die." So she screams, "God bless America!" and jumps over the side.

    But the balloon continues to descend too rapidly.

    Donny Dumsfeld steps up to the plate. "I can't let the most important man in America die," he says. So he yells, "God bless America!" and jumps over the side.

    The balloon slows its descend but it is still going down too fast. Just one more sacrifice will save the remaining passenger.

    Darth Cheney says, "I can't let the most important man in America die." So he cries out, "God bless America!" and throws Dubya over the side.

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    George Bush was hanging a picture of Dick Cheney in his office late one night after work. Stepping back to admire it, he asked the cleaning woman, who had come in to vacuum the carpets, if it looked all right. "Don't ask me," the woman said. "I only deal with the dirt on the floor."

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    One day Karl Rove visited an acquaintance and saw the man's young daughter doting over a box in which she had a litter of newborn kittens.

    "What kind of kittens are those?" Karl asked, trying to be polite.

    "These are neoconservative kittens," the girl replied.

    "Oh, that's wonderful," Karl said enthusiastically. He then went into the house to complete his visit.

    Some weeks later Karl had to come back to discuss some business with his acquaintance and he saw the girl with the kittens again.

    "How are your neoconservative kittens?" he asked.

    "Oh, they're not neoconservatives anymore," the girl said. "Their eyes are open now."

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    Three surgeons were having a leisurely lunch one day and were discussing the most successful transplants that they had performed. Oddly those turned out to be transplants of animal organs onto humans.

    "I had a patient," one surgeon says, "who lost his arms in an automobile accident. I transplanted the arms of a kangaroo onto him and now he is a successful boxer."

    "That's good," the second surgeon says, "but I had a patient who suffered a massive heart failure. I transplanted the heart of a bull into him and now he is a powerful football player. You'll be hearing about him soon."

    The third surgeon says nothing and the other two prompt him to tell them what his most successful transplant was. He's reluctant and seems embarrassed to be talking about the matter, but eventually he gives in to his comrades' prodding.

    "I'm not sure I would call this a success," he says, "but I had a patient whose head was crushed when a horse threw him and then stepped on him. I could only save him by transplanting the head of a chimpanzee onto him and now," he says with a little sob, "and now he's the President."

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Question to Talk Radio: "Is it possible to export neoconservatism and establish its values in another country chosen at random, say Norway?"

Answer: "It's possible, but what did Norway ever do to you?"

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    Two men are walking down the street in Washington, DC, discussing the state of the world and one blurts out, "What a vile, rotten government!"

    A man from Homeland Security materializes and tells the man that he is to be taken in for questioning about his unpatriotic outburst.

    "But I didn't say which government I despise," the man protested.

    "That won't do for an explanation," the Homeland Security man says. "There's only one vile, rotten government and you know it!"

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    George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, and Condoleeza Rice are at Camp David when a giant meteor strikes the ground and leaves a crater half a mile wide.

Question: Who was saved?

Answer: The American People.

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    An unemployed man who was suspected of making anti-American comments in a public place was brought in to the Office of Homeland Security and questioned.

    "No," the man objected, "I would never say anything against my country. What I said was that I would rather work for ten thousand neoconservatives than for one liberal or Progressive."

    Well, that reply pleased the Homeland Security folks so much that they offered to help the man find a job. So, what did he do for a living?

    "I'm a grave-digger," the man said.

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    One night a man sleeping in his home is awakened by an unusual noise. Fully awake and trembling with fear, he calls out in a quavery voice, "Who's there?"

    A gruff voice replies, "Burglars. We're here to steal your valuables. Don't try to stop us if you know what's good for you!"

    "Oh, thank God!" the man says as he heaves a sigh of relief. "I was afraid you might be from Homeland Security."

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    One day in the Oval Office George W. Bush is contemplating his legacy while some overeager staffer drones on with some unimportant crap about the collapsing economy. Later Dubya tells Dick Cheney, "I am a war president, so when I die I want to be buried at Arlington with all those other war heroes. And...and I also want an eternal flame over my grave, just like John Kennedy."

    "But, Mr. President," Cheney says, "an eternal flame is an ongoing expense. How will we pay for it?"

    "I don't know," Bush says. "Let the House of Representatives figure it out. Isn't it their job to deal with money issues?"

    "Yes, Mr. President. Yes, it is," Cheney replies.

    So some time shortly after the year 2030 Arlington National Cemetery became the home of the George W. Bush Memorial Marshmallow and Weenie Concession.

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Satan's Little Helper

The neocons have taken over in the name of their evil master.

They figure we're going to Hell anyway, so they'll get us there all the faster.

    We cannot be surprised. Such cynicism is surely to be expected

    from those who rule our country though they were never actually elected.

And who led the neocons when into the cesspool they dove?

Why Satan's Little Helper himself, the vile Karl Rove.

    Some folks say that for America Satan has an evil plan

    and to bring that plan to fruition Karl Rove is the Devil's man.

With the greed of a sucking parasite and the morals of a Mafia don

Karl has the qualifications to pull off every needed scam and con.

    Is he willing to bear false witness against his neighbor?

    Why, Karl regards that as his finest labor.

And of the commandments in most Biblical collections

surely Thou Shalt Not Steal doesn't apply to elections.

    Thou Shalt Not Murder? We can have no doubt.

    Our boy Karl would gladly rub anyone out.

And the weird part is that he goes after the Christian vote.

How can that be? What could such out of character interest denote?

    From the charge of hypocrisy we must declare him exempt;

    for toward Christianity and its morals he has nothing but contempt.

He only seeks to fool the church-goers as a wolf in sheep's clothing,

but for the teachings of the Son of God he has nothing but loathing.

    But the Christians are useful, those Bible-thumping fools.

    To exploit them for politics Karl gets to use his favorite tools.

"Yeah, those stupid fundamentalists are certainly no intellectuals,

so we can get their votes through their hatred of homosexuals."

    "By their make-believe God they have been truly forsaken.

    They'll never even notice how thoroughly they're being taken."

But some of us see the truth and we have a strong compulsion

to compare him to frothing sewage to express our deep revulsion.

    But strangely even the neocons themselves are obliged to admit

    that Satan's Little Helper is totally full of shit.

For now we know a special fact, and this is truly awesome,

that Karl's own boss, Dubya Dimwit, calls him Turd Blossom.

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Taking von Clausewitz's dictum that war is a contest of wills as our premise, we must infer that the first objective of warfare is the demoralization of the enemy. Thus we know that the well-crafted joke is a weapon of war, because it raises our morale while making our enemy feel like the utterly worthless piece of garbage that he truly is. So enjoy these little pieces of mind candy until we can effect the regime change that should have taken place in November 2004.

And now it's time to reveal the funniest joke of them all. Most of these jokes are merely modified versions of the anti-Nazi jokes that the Norwegians told each other during the German occupation of their country in the course of the Second World War. The jokes were aimed at the Germans and also, and especially, at the well-despised members of the Nasjonal Samling (the Norwegian Nazi Party, led by Vidkun Quisling). These jokes appeared often in clandestine newspapers, such as Hvepsen (The Wasp; literally, Wasp One), and, ja sure you betcha, they stung their targets well. Most of the jokes below are adapted from "Folklore Fights the Nazis" by Kathleen Stokker.

If you want to read more on the Norwegian "Ice Front" campaign, you can obtain a copy of Professor Stokker's book at www.skandisk.com under Books -- Scandinavian Literature & History.

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